Back to the Beginning

Sometimes I think women get the raw deal when it comes to motherhood. You experience so much - pain of childbirth, you're breasts are swilling up and in pain so that you can nurse, the horrors of breastfeeding and pressure of being the main food provider for your baby in their first six months of life...and through all that haze of emotional turmoil, pain and misery, you are expected to have this "maternal bliss/ zen" and transition into motherhood at the same time? That's an insanely tall order. Like crazy insane. I sometimes envy fathers who still have some semblance of normalcy in their transition. But as with all other things in life, perhaps this is just one of those personal solitary journeys one have to go through.

Five Reasons I Should Not Quit...Yet. As much I'd like to think quitting will make any difference to them, it will not. It'll be a tiny and temporary little inconvenience that will be forgotten in less than a week. On the contrary, it will probably leave a lasting effect on me, with all the things and opportunities I might lose. Undoubtedly, the money is good. And though it might sound materialistic, I'm saying this with utmost practicality, the money is needed to survive in this society. Still not brave enough. I can try to summon courage to try harder, but to step out takes guts which I don't have yet. Good people. There are good people around. I shouldn't let the meanness of a few overshadow the good people. Perhaps you can find something new here. It's a big enough company, perhaps there is someplace else that fits you.

One of the main reasons I feel so much anger is this, I get the feeling that you are leading me on the basis of : If it goes right it's on you; If it goes wrong it's on me.

I wish for courage and patience, both in equal measure; To always have them in me, until one blurs into the other, Courage to go on, on days when my patience is at the end of my tether And on days when I am too weary, patience to endure, and persevere

Even expected news can bring about unexpected feelings. I'm not sure why today's reaction is bigger, I though I have decided not to care and somewhat insulated myself, but it still does hurt a bit. Even a lot. There is also anger. The feeling of double standards - if it was someone else, would they have the same feedback and results? Or would there be more leniency? But it's ok, this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

Isn't it funny how, when you were growing up you longed to spread your wings and leave the comfort of home and explore everything, but yet once you have spent a considerable time away, all you ever seem to do is long for home and the simple, hopeful life you once had?